Dear Friend,
If you've read my last letter, you know I suffer with anxiety and depression.
Maybe you do, too.
Maybe you, like me, have found unhealthy ways of coping with these illnesses.
When I was morbidly obese, I would binge to avoid dealing with my feelings. I would avoid bad days, heartbreak, deeper feelings of rejection and self-hate.
It was a cycle of bad feelings, binge eating, guilt, bad feelings, binge eating, guilt... you get it.
My anxiety is triggered when I feel like my life is out of my control. It could be as little as the kitchen being a mess from cooking dinner or the baby's toys strewn about the living room. It could be deadlines for school and work that just happen to fall on the same days. It could be our finances being tight because of a surprise bill.
My OCD makes me want everything in my life to be perfect. And when things aren't perfect, I panic. I feel like I've failed, and my depression creeps in and calls me worthless. It's so easy for my thought process to default to this awful cycle, and it's taken a lot of self-awareness and discipline to fight it.
This week I have 2 midterms, my parents are flying in for spring break, I'm working on new project for work, and this week we have to renew our car tags and pay our state taxes. For anyone else, this wouldn't a big deal.
But for me, it's a minefield of anxiety that I'm trying to tiptoe around.
I woke up having absolutely no motivation, even with so much work to get done. I wanted to stay home watching Netflix. I forced myself to attend class, then I caught sight of my loose belly skin tight in my shirt and I immediately felt down on myself.
Before my surgery, I would have said "screw it" and gotten Chipotle and Ben & Jerry's and settled in for the evening.
But instead, because I'm aware of how my anxiety plays tricks on me, I pushed myself to follow my routine. So to the gym I went.
My new habits have been so crucial for my weight loss success and learning to handle my mental health.
I had one of the best workouts, and I set a new record for myself: a mile in 13 minutes with 8 minutes of running without stopping. I've never run a mile that fast in my life, and my previous time was 5 minutes without stopping.
That achievement (along with the endorphins) wiped away my bad mood.
What I want you to know: it's so important to be self-aware. Knowing yourself is the best way to reach your goals and achieve change. The next time you start falling into old bad habits, try pinning down the triggers:
What made you feel this way?
What can you do to avoid it next time?
How did you handle it, and could you handle it in a more positive, less self-destructive way?
xoxo